International Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved."  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from   "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason
they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels
in  France are "Surrender" & then "Collaborate" The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag
factory, effectively  paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

In Ireland the level "Can we now get more money from the EU....Again
Was swiftly increased to "more money from the EU and if we do not get it
blame the Brits"
The "arrest every eastern European electrician" level is also now in

New Zealand has also raised its security levels  from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!".  Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us".   In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked
to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right, mate".  Three more escalation levels remain,
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"the barbie is cancelled". Thus far, no situation has ever warranted
use of the final escalation level.